Borrowing a Cooler From the Most Hydrated Man on Earth

Hey, don’t worry about that spill. I have a lot of these little cups that I fill up with water and leave in strategic locations around my house. That way, wherever I am there’s always a drink of water nearby, and I can stay hydrated. I knock them over all the time.

Yes, I’m the most hydrated person on Earth. I’m famous for it. See this old photo? One time, as a publicity stunt, I had lunch with the dryest person on Earth. My publicist invited the press and I was in a bunch of magazines. That was in the 70’s. The dryest person on earth is long since dead. Meanwhile I’m practically immortal.

What did the dryest person on Earth order for lunch? Well, he ordered a bowl of sand. I was surprised when the waitress actually brought him a bowl of sand, and even more surprised when she carted over my order of ten watermelons.

“If he’s having a bowl of sand, I’ll have ten watermelons, please,” I said. I was joking, but it actually happened. It was a weird restaurant.

Here’s a photo of me underwater. I don’t float. I can’t, I sink a little bit and just hang there, because I’m so hydrated. I wear arm floaties at the beach—hence the tanlines. Are you ok with me being shirtless? I soak right through most clothes.

Excuse me. Ahhh. That’s better. I was feeling a little parched.

Anyways, you wanted to borrow a cooler? Here, take this one. Open her up…oh, God! I haven’t opened this cooler in years! My old pet cat Mister Wetness must have got trapped in here somehow. Ugh… that’s… really gross. He’s very well preserved. And there’s almost no smell. Mummified in an Igloo-brand cooler—what a way to go.

Well, here, this cooler doesn’t have a dead pet in it. Give it back whenever.