The Awful Truth About Foxes

I recently spent some time with a fox and I have some bad news. Foxes smell bad. Really bad. Not-cute bad.

Foxes smell like skunks. Everyone knows what a skunk smells like: a nightmare. That’s why heavy metal dudes are covered in skunk tattoos. That’s why police use them as non-lethal weapons for riot control. You instinctively run away from skunks. They’re scary because they smell bad and they can make you smell bad too. Well, the same goes for foxes.

Foxes are very cute. Cuter than skunks that’s for damn sure. They’re sneaky and fun, but not so sneaky about how they smell, which is terrible. Here’s the other thing about foxes:

They make weird noises. Not-cute noises. Like the sound a crow makes when you try to force it into a pot of boiling water. Or the sound your bosses make when they’re trying to figure out the best way to tell you they hate your ideas.

Baby foxes make the worst noises of all. If you want to murder someone, play them a recording of a baby fox crying for his mommy. After your victim drops dead, remove your disguise, quietly flee the scene, and throw your tape deck and earplugs into the old quarry.

What else is at the bottom of that quarry? How many more people have to die?

If I saw a fox right now, I certainly wouldn’t shake his hand or compliment him on his necktie. If I was wearing a shirt, I’d probably show him to the nearest Starbucks and tell him to rinse off in the bathroom. Then I’d tell him to go back in whatever hole he crawled out of and never interrupt me during Judge Judy again.

So gorge your eyes out on the sight of foxes on TV. Binge a Netflix about them. But don’t go online and buy one just because you think they’re cute. Because when it arrives in its crate scratching at the wood slats, making horrible noises, you’ll smell him, and you’ll regret it