World Record for Most Consecutive Blindfolded Meals Prepared and Eaten

Don’t use too many of my paper towels. If I come back and they’re all gone, I’m going to be mad. This is the bin where I keep my rags, hand towels and potholders. Use them instead of the paper towels when you can. Throw them in your laundry when possible.

I don’t have a dishwasher so here’s the deal: it’s hot water, soap, sponge, and gloves if you need them. If things get hectic in the dish rack, lay down a dishrag on the table and lay the dishes face down to dry.

I lost two cups, a bowl and a plate last year. It happens. Don’t feel bad if you break something, just know that you’re responsible for replacing it. Yeah, last year was tough.

I put my knives on this magnetic strip. Don’t leave them in the sink. It makes them dull. Cooking with a dull knife is a dangerous.

If you use the salad spinner, please, clean it thoroughly. It’s not going to clean itself. That goes for pasta strainers, too, or if you use any of these strainers or sifters hanging here.

Are you going to be fucking baking in here?

The oven. This drawer is a broiler. Some people don’t get that. Some people think it’s just a drawer. Don’t be stupid—it gets very hot in a broiler, even if you’re just using the oven and aren’t broiling.

Put things back where you found them. It’s a simple tip. It might sound obvious, but be vigilant, please. 

The thing is I hold the world record for most consecutive blindfolded meals prepared and eaten. I’ve been preparing three square meals a day, totally blindfolded, for seven months. I can roast a chicken, make crepes suzette, dress a salad and bake a cake, all totally blind. It started out rough, but now each meal I make I make and eat faster than the last.

This is an extra blindfold if you want to try cooking blind. But please, wait until you’re familiar with the kitchen before you try.

This is my bird. He’s old and he can barely tweet anymore. If he tweets at you, it means he wants you to feed him. Break off a piece of one of THESE crackers and feed him a bite. Do not feed him human crackers. These are special bird crackers that cater to his old age.

That’s my kitchen. If you hear me cooking or eating please give me a wide berth. I tend to thrash around quite a bit. It might look chaotic, but keep in mind I’m a world record holder—I know what I’m doing. Rent is $1,455 a month.