In your face, Jason. I told you. When the guy with the glasses offered us the pills, I TOLD YOU that the rabbit hole one was going to rip us out of “reality” and send us on a kick-ass post-apocalyptic adventure! But you didn’t wanna take the leap.

And when I woke up in the pink goo—just like I said we would—we were all being farmed for energy by our robot overlords! And I TOLD YOU that the goo was pink and warm and there were all sorts of cables hooked up to our bodies, and I was right. When I woke up in the goo I could see your stupid body, totally in goo, totally wrong! So wrong.
When they took the cables and plugs out of me…it felt so good.

Being flushed down the hole was FUN and the ship that rescued me was AWESOME and could float. When I got in the ship, everyone was dressed really COOL and they started saying stuff like I was ‘the one.’ Oh yeah, and the best part is we get to plug back into the reality we were in before! Except it’s even better.
Did you see me yesterday when I passed you on the street? Probably not. I was the dude in the floor-length leather duster who was fucking FLYING. I also had two shotguns, a huge knife, and a sweet pair Maui Jim’s.

Basically, you can learn anything because the computer man back on the ship uploads stuff directly into your brain. Yesterday I learned how to land a helicopter on a helicopter. Downsides? We eat bug sludge for every meal and we’re constantly under attack from terrifying metal octopuses.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next. There’s some kind of mission or problem we have to solve, but I swear to god I’m going to hook up with this lady on the ship, like, any day now. She talks to me like I’m Christ on earth! They said I can’t wake you up from the pod just yet—but when we complete the mission I totally will!

I recently spent some time with a fox and I have some bad news. Foxes smell bad. Really bad. Not-cute bad.

Foxes smell like skunks. Everyone knows what a skunk smells like: a nightmare. That’s why heavy metal dudes are covered in skunk tattoos. That’s why police use them as non-lethal weapons for riot control. You instinctively run away from skunks. They’re scary because they smell bad and they can make you smell bad too. Well, the same goes for foxes.

Foxes are very cute. Cuter than skunks that’s for damn sure. They’re sneaky and fun, but not so sneaky about how they smell, which is terrible. Here’s the other thing about foxes:

They make weird noises. Not-cute noises. Like the sound a crow makes when you try to force it into a pot of boiling water. Or the sound your bosses make when they’re trying to figure out the best way to tell you they hate your ideas.

Baby foxes make the worst noises of all. If you want to murder someone, play them a recording of a baby fox crying for his mommy. After your victim drops dead, remove your disguise, quietly flee the scene, and throw your tape deck and earplugs into the old quarry.

What else is at the bottom of that quarry? How many more people have to die?

If I saw a fox right now, I certainly wouldn’t shake his hand or compliment him on his necktie. If I was wearing a shirt, I’d probably show him to the nearest Starbucks and tell him to rinse off in the bathroom. Then I’d tell him to go back in whatever hole he crawled out of and never interrupt me during Judge Judy again.

So gorge your eyes out on the sight of foxes on TV. Binge a Netflix about them. But don’t go online and buy one just because you think they’re cute. Because when it arrives in its crate scratching at the wood slats, making horrible noises, you’ll smell him, and you’ll regret it