We’ve made so many advancements in realizing our dream of controlling the heavens. By releasing silver iodide and other particulate matter into the sky from specially equipped aircraft, it’s become possible to create clouds. And while we’re still quite a ways from creating weather like rain, snow or hale, it does beg the question: is it now possible to create clowns from thin air? 

 Hee hee… BOING! 

Imagine a future where clowns appear only when you need them to; an environment where we can summon a curious fellow from the sky without waiting days or weeks, or in the most clownless of places, months or years. Conversely, imagine being able to stave off a disastrous clownpour in areas routinely overrun by goofballs. Imagine a world where we’re finally in control of clowns. 

Jingle jingle… Hello!

Scientists have been experimenting with different particulate and non-particulate matter of all types to encourage clown creation. This ‘clown seeding’ has so far only produced a handful of sounds and scant goofs. These ‘clownsigns’ only reveal themselves for a moment, then dissipate into the atmosphere. On a recent excursion over the American midwest, atmospheric clown scientists released bells, horns, balls, and several flavors of taffy into the sky with mixed results. In another study, plumes of facepaint and banana peels periodically released from bindlesticks fixed to the wings of aircraft have produced a ghostly mime. 

 HONK!

But it was a team of Swedish scientists working with a small $300 million dollar government grant who produced the world’s first recorded footage of an atmospheric clown, falling through the air over the clownless, arid skies of the Dead Sea. In the video, a backwards-mounted camera placed on top of the aircraft catches—in a blur of whimsy—a clown, suspended by a tiny umbrella, pretending to be sleeping as he falls. He then wakes with a jingle and dissolves into the atmosphere. A forthcoming article in Science will disclose exactly what particulate matter or hilarious items were responsible for the production of such a wonderful clown.

Tee-hee!

While the world waits for the next breakthrough, we can only look to the heavens and smile. Soon we will control the clowns.  

That cake with the, uh—what was that? A peacock? With its tail all draped over the side? That was kinda pretty, though. That long cascading tail of the peacock and that bird proudly displaying its body atop the tip-top of that cake? That was like, I was shocked by that cake.

 I was struck by the elegance of that cake. I pretty much had the wind taken out of me when I laid eyes on it. It was just so prominent. And it wasn’t even the tallest cake on display. But it felt a thousand feet high. Do you think they built it in there, or had to move it in? They had to’ve built it in there. Too crazy to move that thing. Too crazy.

Okay I’m going to assume that that particular cake was for a wedding, but like, I really don’t think it needs to be just for a wedding. I feel like that could be like, for just a really elegant time or occasion. I feel like it would be a good New Years cake. Like, you could have one of those champagne glass pyramids and it’s like surrounding this elegant peacock cake. You could put a sparkler in the peacock’s mouth. Like the sparklers could be the feathers or something. Or one sparkler could be like a main, more special feather.

No doubt it would be a ballsy birthday cake. That would take balls. That’s like a celebrity’s birthday cake. That’s a paparazzi-level cake. You would have to have an outfit that complimented that cake. You couldn’t just be in the shot wearing like—no offense—like what you got on now.

If my girl got me that cake for my birthday I’d be like oh shit.

Do you know if there’s an ATM around here? 

• All food must be wider than your tie

• Meals must be taken in a lounge setting
• Dieter must “throw back a bottle of [American brand] beer” with every meal
• Silverware is attached to the dieter via a long, belt-connected chain
• Only exotic leather napkins (ie Lizard) are permitted for use
• All verbal food orders must be sung in scat style
• Any additional drinks must be consumed through the bell of a brass instrument.
• 1 cat companion per dining partner

Expect to see a 30% decrease in pinstripes and up to a 1” decrease in fedora size!